Doing okay. I'm planning a group expedition back to the ruins. We need more group relics and I thought maybe the new people would like to be included on something very Displaced-y. Also got into another public fight with Akechi but we're like weirdly doing okay right now so IDEK what's up with that.
I saw your post, as well as Laura's, and I actually had an idea about who might be leading the believers at the moment. I mean, it's still pure speculation, but check out message 019.
Nate and I went to the ruins a few weeks ago looking for bird themes, and although we didn't have any luck it's definitely something the new arrivals will probably enjoy.
I'm doing okay. I spoke to El, like you suggested, and I think I owe you lunch or something; it went better than I expected.
One of Ball's family members. That wouldn't be a surprise, he was a wealthy individual with a lot of connections. He indicated to me back in the day that we were brought here due to a "collected effort" which didn't make sense to me at the time. It's possible he knew about the experiments that led Blue to split into us. I've seen no direct connection from him to the project, but if he had intel from a family member, that could've been why. He was very worried about people seeing the two of us talking for too long and openly, it was at one of his parties, at the time none of us were 'public' so to speak. I got the feeling there were people at that event he was afraid would catch us or it would get their attention, which he didn't want.
Oh good! I'm glad. I told you talking to El isn't like talking to a human. Ze doesn't take things personally so is very open-minded.
That's interesting. It seems at this point like so many of the people we know of are intertwined, which isn't entirely unexpected, but there seem to be so many disparate motives.
Yeah. I don't want to go into everything on the network, but there was kind of a lot that might've gone wrong, but I'm really glad it didn't.
It's kind of Usual Suspects situation. We know the people in power, the ones who keep ending up making trouble here, one way or the other. They're all connected in some way to the original project. The question is if and how they're going to try again now that we know there is five other possible gods out there.
Want to go get food or something? We can hop off the network so you don't have to talk about it here.
[ Quentin shows up quickly since it was his idea to meet up, and he could use a distraction from a few things going on in his life right then. He looks much better than their talk after the Aerie, which isn't hard to do, since he was a hot mess. He doesn't go places other than Red Wings very often, so this is kind of fun.
He finds a table for them and waves when Lance comes in. The network kind of has a way of filling up time so he's sorting through messages, pushing them away to focus. ]
[It's good to see Quentin looking better, and Lance does too; he's still tired and clearly not a fan of the recent heat wave, but he manages a genuine smile and an awkward little wave in return as he joins Quentin at the table.]
Hey. Sorry if you had to wait awhile.
[He's not sure when Quentin got here, but it took Lance a little while; with all the transit still weird, getting around the city's kind of an ordeal sometimes.]
It's fine, I was looking for a reason to get out and about. Even if it's sweltering.
[ So arguably the better thing to do is stay inside, but whatever, Q's been in heat before. It's not awesome, especially with the water shortage, but it won't keep him inside when he's feeling restless. His mind is still always burning and it's not as if getting some of their answers has stopped new mysteries and situations from cropping up. But he's more focused on Lance at the moment. ]
Yeah. Yeah, El was fine, I mean... We still didn't come to an overall solution or anything, but at least ze seems to understand what the issue is.
[As far as Lance can tell anyway, and El did listen, so that's what really matters. Especially considering the real reason Lance had been hesitant to talk to El in the first place.]
There were um, some things that happened kind of behind the scenes, which made me worried about talking to El more than just like... Being afraid ze'd be holding a grudge because I question Morningstar-related things.
[Again, he feels a little unsure about talking about it, and his gaze is flickering toward the table instead of making eye contact, though he catches himself doing it and looks at Quentin again as he continues.]
Gaby kind of threatened to pull any and all Morningstar resources--IDs, the safehouse, Red Wings, whatever else--if I caused her any more problems.
[So, you know. That had made him very hesitant to risk talking to El, at least until Quentin had convinced him that El wouldn't hold a grudge and Stephen had assured him that El was also not planning to go through with the threat. Then Lance was just normal levels of incredibly nervous, not 'terrified of all the Displaced having to pay for him raising objections' nervous.]
I'm not sure there's an exact solution that will make everyone happy yet anyway. It'll take some tweaking. Maybe Henries will work with us on his end of traumatizing people, who knows.
[ Quentin doesn't see Henries as working with them in general, but if there's a way for it to happen with new people, he's in for it. Even if he still doesn't trust the man in any possible way. ]
I feel a little responsible. I'm usually one of the people that helps settle people in and explain things, but I've been less present since Eliot went away.
[ He knows that no one is pointing fingers, but Quentin's always someone quick to take responsibility. And there is a difference in his behavior since his boyfriend disappeared. He went through a mourning period, keeping to himself and his roommates, but it was one of the things he used to do for people. Answer questions, bring food, try to humanize the experience. It's not an easy situation.
The next thing Lance says shocks Quentin and it openly shows, his eyes widening. He sighs and rubs a hand across his forehead, murmuring Gaby's name under his breath and shaking his head. Damn. Well. ]
Did El tell you that Gaby doesn't have that authority? Ze's the head of Morningstar, not her. And El's not going to do that to us.
[ Quentin sounds absolutely confident on that front. El put too much on the line to take them in when there was no real reason to do so. It exposed zim to being found out as an AI and some other details they could use against Morningstar if they wanted to. He has faith in El and he hopes Lance at least has reason to believe in the AI a little more now. ]
I'm glad ze made Gaby take a break. Honestly it might be time to put someone else on our case. I'm friendly with Gaby but everything that has happened here? I've seen it break her bit by bit. I know what a mental breakdown looks like, and it's gotten worse with time.
[ If anyone knows the signs to look for when someone is circling a drain it's Quentin. And Lance, really. But Gaby's never been hostile to Quentin, they've been on the same page a lot. He gets along with everyone he can. It's just who he is. ]
I'm not going to tell you to forgive her or anything, or excuse her behavior. I just think for now it's probably good we communicate directly with El. I volunteered to help take some of her duties on.
It's not your fault. Besides, there's only so much that anyone can soften, "You're locked in because we've decided that's best for you, and you have no say in the matter."
[Which is something that he doesn't think some of the people he was speaking to about this actually understand; Lance gets the risks, gets why it's done, but disagrees that any of them have the right to hold new arrivals against their will. But it seems like the moral issue at hand--which is not just an academic one, but one that actively has an effect on people--just isn't that important to most other Displaced.
Lance is honestly exhausted of this whole subject at this point, though he's a little frustrated with himself for that because he knows that was probably the point of the threat, all the insults and opposition, the vague answers, and the absolute lack of concern about the issue. If he gives up out of exhaustion or frustration then the status quo can remain, and that's very convenient for some people.
It's encouraging, at least, that Quentin doesn't seem super pleased about the threat himself; Lance certainly wasn't hoping for anything more than the fair and empathetic response Quentin gives, but on the other side of things he'd been prepared for worse. Part of the reason he's hesitated in telling almost anyone about this isn't just for fear of the threat itself--especially now that he knows El isn't interested in following through on it--but because he's very sure there are plenty of people who would turn it back on him and say it was deserved.
So not getting that is a relief, even though he hadn't really expected it from Quentin. He nods a little, gaze flickering down the to edge of the table where he runs his fingernails against a small chip in the surface, just to give himself something to do.]
Stephen spoke with El about it before I did, and he told me El wasn't intending to do anything like that. When I talked to El myself, ze suggested the same thing you just said, that I should communicate with zim rather than Gaby for pretty much everything going forward.
[And that said--]
As for Gaby, a break is probably the best thing for all of us, her included.
[Though that's pretty much all he's willing to extend her. He definitely understands acting on emotion, and behaving erratically or irrationally when traumatized, but there's still very much a line and as far as he's concerned she vastly overstepped it. There's only so much empathy he can muster up for her at the moment.]
I'm glad you volunteered to talk her place to some extent though; you'd be a much better person for new arrivals to be speaking with in the safehouse anyway.
I honestly never questioned it myself. I'm not sure what that says about me. I think I was a lot more focused on, you know, not being dead and at the time having Eliot back from monster possession, so. We were distracted.
[ They had some personal stuff going on that meant they were focused more on coping with that and talking it out than letting the situation they were in take full control of their concerns. By the time they were let out, Quentin and Eliot dazedly just rolled with the punches. It's not like mentioning his missing boyfriend ever stops sucking, but it's better by the day. He just doesn't remember worrying about the safehouse. He felt safe being there, surrounded by people in the same situation.
He still feels safe when he goes down there, but that doesn't mean it's true for everyone. It's a complicated matter. ]
I'm not saying people shouldn't feel that way, just that it honestly didn't occur to me as much as it probably should have. Which is probably why people got lazy about looking out for newcomers.
[ Again, blaming himself, but not in the way that he'll just be hard on himself forever. Instead he's hoping to offer a solution and be more reassuring down there. Quentin does try to make action fill up the space where his doubt comes in. He sees this as something they can fix. There are ways to make it better.
It wouldn't even occur to Quentin to think that Lance deserved that. For one, no one did, well unless they were like violent and tried to kill people. For two, it still wouldn't matter, because El wouldn't punish everyone for one person. Quentin's eyes soften though, because he doesn't need an empathy bond to be an empathic person, and he can see how down and tired Lance is. ]
Hey.
[ Quentin reaches out to touch Lance's fingers on the table. Whenever he goes out with Displaced he wears gloves due to his own emotional issues. He doesn't like putting his anxiety or nerves on others, and he never knows when he might end up spiraling into that. So it won't start the empathy bond, it's just a gesture. ]
It was shitty of her to put that on you, especially since you didn't know it wasn't true. You were trying to look out for people. Conflict sucks and we could all do better at resolving it, but you're a good guy. Your intentions were good. It'll be okay.
[There are plenty of reasonable explanations for not having done anything about the issue, or even thinking about it; there's a lot going on, and a lot on people's minds, and it's understandable that this might fall lower on the list of priorities. So he doesn't blame Quentin, even if he might be blaming himself, and he isn't really blaming anyone else for that particular issue either.
It's just been the incredible opposition that Lance is so frustrated with, and the idea that once this is brought up as a concern, it's been so often treated like he's being ridiculous or, worse, causing problems where they don't exist. That shifts this from being a lack of awareness into being a lack of empathy, and the latter is something he has far less patience for than the former.
He's considering if he wants to get into that as Quentin talks, but before he can decide if he does he notices Quentin reaching out. It takes a mental effort not to draw back on reflex, but he does tense despite logically not being even slightly afraid of whatever Quentin might be doing; as it turns out it's just a touch, without even the empathy bond involved, and so definitely nothing to be worried about.
But he isn't exactly expecting what Quentin actually says, the reassurance and understanding hitting as much more of a shock than they should be; it's nothing against Quentin, in that Lance wouldn't have expected it from him or anything like that, just that he isn't expecting it from anyone, with very few exceptions. So Lance just stares at him for a brief moment, surprise crossing his face, but that soon disappears.
Instead he has to blink hard and duck his head, hiding his face even though that's utterly pointless; surely it's obvious why he's doing so, as he struggles for a few seconds to keep his composure. He isn't upset, at least not exactly, and in fact it's much more the exact opposite; everything has just been so difficult lately lately, and he's over-stressed and still exhausted, and all of that makes for a difficult time controlling emotions he isn't expecting. It's a sure sign he needs to take a step back and give himself some time, and he just mentally adds that to the pile of other signs that have been telling him the same thing.
But in this case, at least what's set it off is something good. The sentiment is something he appreciates more than he can really say, especially when he's been so unsure of himself, and coming from someone who isn't already a close friend and very biased. It means a lot.
So after a few more seconds he pulls himself together enough to give a brief glance and faintly sheepish smile in Quentin's direction, even though he addresses the table when he actually speaks. He'd be even more embarrassed than he is by such a break in composure, but he feels like this is something Quentin might also understand.]
Sorry.
[It's quiet, but his voice is at least mostly steady, aside from a hint of self-deprecation.]
It's been um, a bad few days.
[And a bad few days before that, and then before that, and then before that...]
[ Quentin understands getting worn down to the bone, too much negativity, stress, and let downs weighing on top of a person. His own lowest point in New Amsterdam has never gone out of his head, and if it wasn't for Clarke, he would have broken in a truly bad way. He knows sometimes what people need is kindness. Kindness, understanding, and support that they didn't ask for or didn't know they had. Everyone needs to know they aren't alone.
He can tell that his words land in Lance's reaction and body language, and he simply stays where he is, a gentle hand on Lance's, the sincerity of his words ringing. Quentin lets Lance take it in and react instead of rushing over it with follow-up chatter. Lance was there for him when he was drinking shoeless after being blown up. He knows Q's had his low points too. ]
It's okay.
[ He doesn't tell him not to apologize because Quentin's an over-apologizer, and sometimes that's just an instinct whether necessary or not. It's better to be reassuring instead. It's okay to feel things, right? That's what they've both told each other now. ]
Kind of an understatement.
[ That's meant as a light tease but there's understanding in his dark eyes. ]
I can imagine how shitty it would feel to think the people you were trying to take care of would be fucked over because you upset the wrong person. Living with that, even for a little while, is a heavy burden.
[ Quentin wouldn't want to live with it, that's for sure. He did think he nearly got everyone killed here and carried that with him. In his case, it was realistic. In Lance's case, he just got on the wrong side of tempers and bad behavior. Quentin has faith he'll come out the other side of this okay. ]
But you're already pushing past it. You faced your hesitation with El and got through that okay. It'll only get easier from here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@lance.sweets
Date: 2021-01-30 03:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 06:08 pm (UTC)Doing okay. I'm planning a group expedition back to the ruins. We need more group relics and I thought maybe the new people would like to be included on something very Displaced-y. Also got into another public fight with Akechi but we're like weirdly doing okay right now so IDEK what's up with that.
You?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 07:15 pm (UTC)Nate and I went to the ruins a few weeks ago looking for bird themes, and although we didn't have any luck it's definitely something the new arrivals will probably enjoy.
I'm doing okay. I spoke to El, like you suggested, and I think I owe you lunch or something; it went better than I expected.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 07:29 pm (UTC)Oh good! I'm glad. I told you talking to El isn't like talking to a human. Ze doesn't take things personally so is very open-minded.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 07:39 pm (UTC)Yeah. I don't want to go into everything on the network, but there was kind of a lot that might've gone wrong, but I'm really glad it didn't.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-04 03:11 am (UTC)Want to go get food or something? We can hop off the network so you don't have to talk about it here.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-07 05:56 am (UTC)[Using the term 'discussion' lightly.]
That'd be great. There's a diner I found recently that's pretty quiet.
[He'll send along a location pin with that.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-08 02:39 am (UTC)[ Quentin shows up quickly since it was his idea to meet up, and he could use a distraction from a few things going on in his life right then. He looks much better than their talk after the Aerie, which isn't hard to do, since he was a hot mess. He doesn't go places other than Red Wings very often, so this is kind of fun.
He finds a table for them and waves when Lance comes in. The network kind of has a way of filling up time so he's sorting through messages, pushing them away to focus. ]
Hey man.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-08 10:48 pm (UTC)Hey. Sorry if you had to wait awhile.
[He's not sure when Quentin got here, but it took Lance a little while; with all the transit still weird, getting around the city's kind of an ordeal sometimes.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-11 12:00 am (UTC)[ So arguably the better thing to do is stay inside, but whatever, Q's been in heat before. It's not awesome, especially with the water shortage, but it won't keep him inside when he's feeling restless. His mind is still always burning and it's not as if getting some of their answers has stopped new mysteries and situations from cropping up. But he's more focused on Lance at the moment. ]
So, your talk with El went okay?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-11 12:19 am (UTC)[As far as Lance can tell anyway, and El did listen, so that's what really matters. Especially considering the real reason Lance had been hesitant to talk to El in the first place.]
There were um, some things that happened kind of behind the scenes, which made me worried about talking to El more than just like... Being afraid ze'd be holding a grudge because I question Morningstar-related things.
[Again, he feels a little unsure about talking about it, and his gaze is flickering toward the table instead of making eye contact, though he catches himself doing it and looks at Quentin again as he continues.]
Gaby kind of threatened to pull any and all Morningstar resources--IDs, the safehouse, Red Wings, whatever else--if I caused her any more problems.
[So, you know. That had made him very hesitant to risk talking to El, at least until Quentin had convinced him that El wouldn't hold a grudge and Stephen had assured him that El was also not planning to go through with the threat. Then Lance was just normal levels of incredibly nervous, not 'terrified of all the Displaced having to pay for him raising objections' nervous.]
no subject
Date: 2021-02-14 01:21 am (UTC)[ Quentin doesn't see Henries as working with them in general, but if there's a way for it to happen with new people, he's in for it. Even if he still doesn't trust the man in any possible way. ]
I feel a little responsible. I'm usually one of the people that helps settle people in and explain things, but I've been less present since Eliot went away.
[ He knows that no one is pointing fingers, but Quentin's always someone quick to take responsibility. And there is a difference in his behavior since his boyfriend disappeared. He went through a mourning period, keeping to himself and his roommates, but it was one of the things he used to do for people. Answer questions, bring food, try to humanize the experience. It's not an easy situation.
The next thing Lance says shocks Quentin and it openly shows, his eyes widening. He sighs and rubs a hand across his forehead, murmuring Gaby's name under his breath and shaking his head. Damn. Well. ]
Did El tell you that Gaby doesn't have that authority? Ze's the head of Morningstar, not her. And El's not going to do that to us.
[ Quentin sounds absolutely confident on that front. El put too much on the line to take them in when there was no real reason to do so. It exposed zim to being found out as an AI and some other details they could use against Morningstar if they wanted to. He has faith in El and he hopes Lance at least has reason to believe in the AI a little more now. ]
I'm glad ze made Gaby take a break. Honestly it might be time to put someone else on our case. I'm friendly with Gaby but everything that has happened here? I've seen it break her bit by bit. I know what a mental breakdown looks like, and it's gotten worse with time.
[ If anyone knows the signs to look for when someone is circling a drain it's Quentin. And Lance, really. But Gaby's never been hostile to Quentin, they've been on the same page a lot. He gets along with everyone he can. It's just who he is. ]
I'm not going to tell you to forgive her or anything, or excuse her behavior. I just think for now it's probably good we communicate directly with El. I volunteered to help take some of her duties on.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-15 11:07 pm (UTC)[Which is something that he doesn't think some of the people he was speaking to about this actually understand; Lance gets the risks, gets why it's done, but disagrees that any of them have the right to hold new arrivals against their will. But it seems like the moral issue at hand--which is not just an academic one, but one that actively has an effect on people--just isn't that important to most other Displaced.
Lance is honestly exhausted of this whole subject at this point, though he's a little frustrated with himself for that because he knows that was probably the point of the threat, all the insults and opposition, the vague answers, and the absolute lack of concern about the issue. If he gives up out of exhaustion or frustration then the status quo can remain, and that's very convenient for some people.
It's encouraging, at least, that Quentin doesn't seem super pleased about the threat himself; Lance certainly wasn't hoping for anything more than the fair and empathetic response Quentin gives, but on the other side of things he'd been prepared for worse. Part of the reason he's hesitated in telling almost anyone about this isn't just for fear of the threat itself--especially now that he knows El isn't interested in following through on it--but because he's very sure there are plenty of people who would turn it back on him and say it was deserved.
So not getting that is a relief, even though he hadn't really expected it from Quentin. He nods a little, gaze flickering down the to edge of the table where he runs his fingernails against a small chip in the surface, just to give himself something to do.]
Stephen spoke with El about it before I did, and he told me El wasn't intending to do anything like that. When I talked to El myself, ze suggested the same thing you just said, that I should communicate with zim rather than Gaby for pretty much everything going forward.
[And that said--]
As for Gaby, a break is probably the best thing for all of us, her included.
[Though that's pretty much all he's willing to extend her. He definitely understands acting on emotion, and behaving erratically or irrationally when traumatized, but there's still very much a line and as far as he's concerned she vastly overstepped it. There's only so much empathy he can muster up for her at the moment.]
I'm glad you volunteered to talk her place to some extent though; you'd be a much better person for new arrivals to be speaking with in the safehouse anyway.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-23 01:34 am (UTC)[ They had some personal stuff going on that meant they were focused more on coping with that and talking it out than letting the situation they were in take full control of their concerns. By the time they were let out, Quentin and Eliot dazedly just rolled with the punches. It's not like mentioning his missing boyfriend ever stops sucking, but it's better by the day. He just doesn't remember worrying about the safehouse. He felt safe being there, surrounded by people in the same situation.
He still feels safe when he goes down there, but that doesn't mean it's true for everyone. It's a complicated matter. ]
I'm not saying people shouldn't feel that way, just that it honestly didn't occur to me as much as it probably should have. Which is probably why people got lazy about looking out for newcomers.
[ Again, blaming himself, but not in the way that he'll just be hard on himself forever. Instead he's hoping to offer a solution and be more reassuring down there. Quentin does try to make action fill up the space where his doubt comes in. He sees this as something they can fix. There are ways to make it better.
It wouldn't even occur to Quentin to think that Lance deserved that. For one, no one did, well unless they were like violent and tried to kill people. For two, it still wouldn't matter, because El wouldn't punish everyone for one person. Quentin's eyes soften though, because he doesn't need an empathy bond to be an empathic person, and he can see how down and tired Lance is. ]
Hey.
[ Quentin reaches out to touch Lance's fingers on the table. Whenever he goes out with Displaced he wears gloves due to his own emotional issues. He doesn't like putting his anxiety or nerves on others, and he never knows when he might end up spiraling into that. So it won't start the empathy bond, it's just a gesture. ]
It was shitty of her to put that on you, especially since you didn't know it wasn't true. You were trying to look out for people. Conflict sucks and we could all do better at resolving it, but you're a good guy. Your intentions were good. It'll be okay.
no subject
Date: 2021-02-27 08:52 pm (UTC)It's just been the incredible opposition that Lance is so frustrated with, and the idea that once this is brought up as a concern, it's been so often treated like he's being ridiculous or, worse, causing problems where they don't exist. That shifts this from being a lack of awareness into being a lack of empathy, and the latter is something he has far less patience for than the former.
He's considering if he wants to get into that as Quentin talks, but before he can decide if he does he notices Quentin reaching out. It takes a mental effort not to draw back on reflex, but he does tense despite logically not being even slightly afraid of whatever Quentin might be doing; as it turns out it's just a touch, without even the empathy bond involved, and so definitely nothing to be worried about.
But he isn't exactly expecting what Quentin actually says, the reassurance and understanding hitting as much more of a shock than they should be; it's nothing against Quentin, in that Lance wouldn't have expected it from him or anything like that, just that he isn't expecting it from anyone, with very few exceptions. So Lance just stares at him for a brief moment, surprise crossing his face, but that soon disappears.
Instead he has to blink hard and duck his head, hiding his face even though that's utterly pointless; surely it's obvious why he's doing so, as he struggles for a few seconds to keep his composure. He isn't upset, at least not exactly, and in fact it's much more the exact opposite; everything has just been so difficult lately lately, and he's over-stressed and still exhausted, and all of that makes for a difficult time controlling emotions he isn't expecting. It's a sure sign he needs to take a step back and give himself some time, and he just mentally adds that to the pile of other signs that have been telling him the same thing.
But in this case, at least what's set it off is something good. The sentiment is something he appreciates more than he can really say, especially when he's been so unsure of himself, and coming from someone who isn't already a close friend and very biased. It means a lot.
So after a few more seconds he pulls himself together enough to give a brief glance and faintly sheepish smile in Quentin's direction, even though he addresses the table when he actually speaks. He'd be even more embarrassed than he is by such a break in composure, but he feels like this is something Quentin might also understand.]
Sorry.
[It's quiet, but his voice is at least mostly steady, aside from a hint of self-deprecation.]
It's been um, a bad few days.
[And a bad few days before that, and then before that, and then before that...]
no subject
Date: 2021-03-04 04:11 am (UTC)He can tell that his words land in Lance's reaction and body language, and he simply stays where he is, a gentle hand on Lance's, the sincerity of his words ringing. Quentin lets Lance take it in and react instead of rushing over it with follow-up chatter. Lance was there for him when he was drinking shoeless after being blown up. He knows Q's had his low points too. ]
It's okay.
[ He doesn't tell him not to apologize because Quentin's an over-apologizer, and sometimes that's just an instinct whether necessary or not. It's better to be reassuring instead. It's okay to feel things, right? That's what they've both told each other now. ]
Kind of an understatement.
[ That's meant as a light tease but there's understanding in his dark eyes. ]
I can imagine how shitty it would feel to think the people you were trying to take care of would be fucked over because you upset the wrong person. Living with that, even for a little while, is a heavy burden.
[ Quentin wouldn't want to live with it, that's for sure. He did think he nearly got everyone killed here and carried that with him. In his case, it was realistic. In Lance's case, he just got on the wrong side of tempers and bad behavior. Quentin has faith he'll come out the other side of this okay. ]
But you're already pushing past it. You faced your hesitation with El and got through that okay. It'll only get easier from here.